Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
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