apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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