mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
