I just saw a hot homeless man
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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