My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
