I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
