I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
