I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
