Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
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Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
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don't judge my taste in strippers
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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