just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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