I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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