I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
