You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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