Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
