Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
