I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
