worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
