If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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