You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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