oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
