Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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