I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
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She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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