i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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