dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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