After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
