just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
