I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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