im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
