I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
