Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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