i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
At least make sure they are 18
Why
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
