I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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