I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
should my penis look like a turkey
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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