My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
