I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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