sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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