i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
