you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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