I just pynch a tree in the face
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
