And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
