new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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