We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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