you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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