Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
