If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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