Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
