You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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