It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
