if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
