my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
