If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
