You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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