I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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