If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
