I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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