textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
