happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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